Bird. . . .

September 10, 2016

To most a bird is just that, a bird. To me it has a insurmountable level of meaning as well as symbolism. As a young teen i remember having a necklace of a bird in a cage and i wore it E V E R Y   D A Y. I felt it truly reflected me as the daughter of my father and my mother. Both parents i loved and equally felt were the very things holding me back in so many ways from finding my true self. Point being a bird can quite possibly be the most free being in all the world [ i mean what is more freeing than being able to fly] yet when captured and kept in a cage its spirit can begin to die, and the bird may not remember its nature after a certain amount of time being kept in such circumstances.I'll explain the details further. . .


My background is paternally Libyan and maternally Mexican american [first generation], and while that sounds like the most bizarre [how did that happen] kind of thing you could imagine, well it was. I never quite felt like i belonged to either yet felt beyond accepted and loved unconditionally from my mexican family [maybe the tecate had something to do with it haha] quite honestly my mother wasnt ever the nurturing affectionate smothering kind of mother, and i find myself being the opposite in so many strange ways.For instance, i have a fear of my children not eating enough or being hungry as if it is a sin to feel hunger! Also i act as though if i let anyone do anything for my kids besides me somehow they will love me less :*( . I also have this way about me where i constantly have to check if my kids are breathing at night though since i have had he third child I have  been a bit more lax about things. 


In my current life i have 3 children one is almost 7 [daughter] and 2 sons 4 and 18 months. My biggest fear when i look at my children and envision them getting older and being young adults is how will i be as a mother to them and how will i face the challenges they will indefinitely throw at me. Will i be the parent who puts the bird in the cage or will i set them free to make the choices  i've instilled in them to make for themselves. As of yesterday i had a famous henna artist @girly_henna do a bird design on a soft and delicate part of me [the left side of my left hand along my wrist which i had broken as a 13 year old girl] the reason behind it being that i feel most vulnerable and weak and it serves as a temporary reminder that no matter how weak i may feel there i still feel free to make choices, to unapologetically be who i am and to most importantly raise children who feel being themselves always trumps being just like everybody else. 




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